Want to change your life?

  1. Remove your clothes.
  2. Figure out a pose where your arm could either cover your breast nipples or cup your vagina.
  3. Pose in natural lighting. May heaven shine upon you.
  4. Hold your camera up and tilt overhead at a 45 degree angle. Leave something to the imagination, if you can.
  5. Breath in, or tuck/erase all flaws later in a photo-editing program.
  6. Smile or don’t. It’s better not to. Reference Mary J. Blige album covers.
  7. Caption it with a rap lyric, don’t forget the quotation marks.
  8. Post.
  9. Wait for a response. You should get one in about ten seconds or less.
  10. Check your DMs, but don’t read them until late at night.
  11. Like their comments when you read them. It makes them feel like they matter…because all followers need to feel like their leaders appreciate their time and devoted attention.
  12. Pray that it goes viral. I mean it’s not like God has more important things to take care of.
  13. If the guy that you want to comment, doesn’t…try it again. This time be more revealing.
  14. If someone comments ‘put some clothes on, you’re better than that‘…*group thought will set him/her straight! (*Group thought = a bunch of people on social media making the same comments, because they want to follow the pecking order. So when someone says something that is different, they will take care of the lone wolf by outing them for either A) being a hater, B) being judgmental, or C) tell them to shut the fuck up or kill themselves. Group thinkers set the record straight for all behaviors from postee to commence unbothered by criticism. So don’t worry.)
  15. By now a nightclub, a weave company, a detox tea company, or waist…oh no, now it’s bra push-ups company will contact you for sponsored posts.
  16. Soon, you should receive a DM from a benchwarmer of either NFL, NBA, or MLB persuasion for a possible date and sex.
  17. Get tested immediately.
  18. Make sure you take birth control, all those pheromones make you fertile.
  19. Invest in permanent individual lashes.
  20. Make sure you have all IDs and passports. Credit reports to gauge which debtors you can pay off first.
  21. Don’t forget your Rose Quartz.
  22. Do squats daily, because this is a life-changing event. Your life will be better. You have discovered your purpose. Now your life has meaning. It will all be worth it twenty years from now, when you become a motivational speaker and a global ambassador for change.

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s